Short Story. I'm super bored. My laptop crashes unexpectedly. I can't play my newly downloaded games. Can't watch movies, dramas, anime (Yes, I openly admit it) and it sucks to the max. You know how long was it that I wait to play those things to the max? Goodness. Sent for repairs.
So, here I am. Chill.
* * *
Starless Moon. I
Une.
Une.
That's what I thought. About falling in love. Ever since we were born, we were loved right? There were people who were expecting of our delivery into this world. Father, mother. It could be anyone.
But is it true too, that when you are ageing, growing old, decayed by time, you were also nearing loneliness?
I don't know. Because it sounded as if it is true.
For 10 years of my marriage between me and Sophia, finally ended last week. With my heart still broken, my mind entangled like few meters of threads balled up and furled together; I'm in a state of loss and sadness.
But thank God, I wasn't all separated with one of my most precious treasure. Aysun, my 6 year old daughter. Every minutes and second after I woke up from my bed, Aysun was my priority. How can I not value her? Two of our previous births suffered miscarriage.
"Dad, why do you brush your tongue when you have a toothbrush that was suppose to brush your teeth?" she asked.
"Well, because.."
"Because, what?" she giggled.
"Because if you want your tongue to be clean and as red as Ferrari, brush it like I do!"
It was a lame joke. But she laughed. I kept on making my coffee and her breakfast with hot chocolate like usual.
I enjoyed every single of her curiosity. Sometimes it amuses me that she could think something so complex. Something that kids her age couldn't think of. Her teacher had always talked about her smartness, her anticipation in class and everything.
She could play piano pieces by Bach, Mozart, Pachelbel, Tchaikovsky really well at her age. Her teacher was even amazed of my daughter's IQ level. The teacher encourages me to properly raised well and keep her learning pace improving the day after and beyond.
But what I only fear is that she might've learn how I was separated with Sophia. She might've even thought deeper about growing up without a mother like anyone else around her age, like her friends. She might feel inferior, constantly fearing from being verbally oppressed by others or bullied due to that reason as she grew up.
What I could only do was, to be silent, hoping that with all the life experience that she had, the knowledge she learn, all the warmth she needed and most of all; faith, would give her the strength to live and carry on.
Sophia and I fall in love during our college years. Our relationship grew even stronger in our varsity years and carried on to our working life. Finally I proposed to her, and we were married.
Must there be a reason for you to fall in love with someone? I fell for her because she was beautiful. As pretty as the moon. That is why I named our daughter "Aysun". "Beautiful, as the moon" in Turkish.
Aysun looks very much like Sophia. Her skin was white. Her eyes slants like many other Asian. She had the nose of a duchess, striking in a kind of aural beauty. The color of her lips were vibrant as rose, much alike as if she was wearing a lipstick all the time. Her cheeks forming dimple when she smile with her hair curls over the tip. Sophia and her, both were very smart. Sophia's name used to be on the dean's list and won the best student in her varsity years.
I don't know what else my daughter inherits from me, other than knowing she could play music well like I do. I don't know if that ever counts. I play guitar, because that was what most guys play. Aysun plays piano. At times when we were bored and have nothing to do, I would play guitar after eating dinner. While she would do her homework from her school. I would play Norwegian Wood by The Beatles, Stranger Than Your Sympathy by Goo Goo Dolls and others. I would also sing in my native Malay songs such as Saleem's Tinggal Kenangan, Hujan's Bila Aku Sudah Tiada and et cetera.
I once had a girl,
Or should I say, she once had me.
She showed me her room, isn't it good?
Norwegian Wood.
She asked to stay and told me to sit anywhere,
So I looked around and there wasn't a chair.
I sat on the rug, biding my time, drinking her wine.
We talked until two and then she said, "It's time for bed."
She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh.
I told her I didn't and crawled off to sleep in the bath.
And when I awoke, I was alone, the bird has flown.
So I lit a fire, isn't it good, Norwegian Wood.
"Do you miss her?" asked Aysun. She was doing some maths problem.
I looked at her back and said, "What?"
"Ibu, do you miss her?"
She was referring to Sophia, whom she calls ibu. I didn't know how to exactly answer her, so I only said yes. Which at the same time, I wanted to tell her "Maybe I do, or I don't." But she won't understand these I guess. I don't know how to answer it. It's complicated.
Aysun's mouth spouts out as if she were to cry. Her eyelids fell half-closed, staring at her exercise book. I know. She may now have wondered, where did Sophia went.
"You know, things weren't good and expected to be how it is." I gulped. "I myself don't know how should I explain to you. Things with me and her aren't going right. But I want you to know is that I am here. I am right here so that you could live well, Aysun. I may not and never find happiness. But I want you to find it. And I will help you."
"Come here." I said and hugged her. "I love you." Aysun's tears started to flow out, her mucus flows out of her nose. I wiped them out, and tell her not to cry, soon she'll be sleeping.
It was almost late, close to 11.00 PM. I then sent her to bed, mend her comforter and set her to sleep comfortably in her bed. I closed the table lamps and her door. Then I sat on a rattan chair, with on my table sits a glass Coca-Cola with ice and a box of Lucky Strike cigarettes.
My mind was replaying the scenes where the day where Sophia demands a divorce. And the very first day she started to leave home frequently. That was a year ago. Sophia wouldn't even step home for days or even months. Aysun was in my charge, left to care during her absence. Yes, it does not make sense at first. It is men who usually does this. Anyways that person would not be deserved to be called a man if he does that.
Gender doesn't have anything to do with this in the first place. Men, women, both are humans. Both are able to lie. She told me she needs to go outstation because she had a presentation, about her architecture design. One in Paris, France. The other in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam. And she won't be home for a month. I told her it's okay. I would let her go.
Two weeks later, her colleagues told me that she has gone back already and that presentation she was supposed to have ended three days earlier. And she had already went back with a friend, as they have said. The next day I was in a coffee house inside a local shopping mall. And we both accidentally bump into each other, with her holding hands with another man. It later grew into a fight as we took to outside, but later it subsided as I tried to bring her home. If she didn't love me, then she could've cared a little for Aysun.
Soon she starts to leave home frequently. Aysun who was with her mother in the past for some time, now looked more lonely and cried, asking where is she? I don't know what to answer. I could only hug her and lied she'll be back in a few hours. Drove her to the bed and close her eyes, hoping she could forget her tears. But it didn't do much. Not long, she would cry again and again. What must I do, I thought. Days after we divorced, Sophia was said to left this country. It is said that she followed her husband who happen to be a chairman of a famous conglomerate company in Asia. Destination, unknown.
Even now I would ask myself. Did I do good on my way to move forward?
There's more.
haha.
I love tea. And green tea. haha. So random.
Asyraf Amir. 20140305.
I don't know what else my daughter inherits from me, other than knowing she could play music well like I do. I don't know if that ever counts. I play guitar, because that was what most guys play. Aysun plays piano. At times when we were bored and have nothing to do, I would play guitar after eating dinner. While she would do her homework from her school. I would play Norwegian Wood by The Beatles, Stranger Than Your Sympathy by Goo Goo Dolls and others. I would also sing in my native Malay songs such as Saleem's Tinggal Kenangan, Hujan's Bila Aku Sudah Tiada and et cetera.
I once had a girl,
Or should I say, she once had me.
She showed me her room, isn't it good?
Norwegian Wood.
She asked to stay and told me to sit anywhere,
So I looked around and there wasn't a chair.
I sat on the rug, biding my time, drinking her wine.
We talked until two and then she said, "It's time for bed."
She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh.
I told her I didn't and crawled off to sleep in the bath.
And when I awoke, I was alone, the bird has flown.
So I lit a fire, isn't it good, Norwegian Wood.
"Do you miss her?" asked Aysun. She was doing some maths problem.
I looked at her back and said, "What?"
"Ibu, do you miss her?"
She was referring to Sophia, whom she calls ibu. I didn't know how to exactly answer her, so I only said yes. Which at the same time, I wanted to tell her "Maybe I do, or I don't." But she won't understand these I guess. I don't know how to answer it. It's complicated.
Aysun's mouth spouts out as if she were to cry. Her eyelids fell half-closed, staring at her exercise book. I know. She may now have wondered, where did Sophia went.
"You know, things weren't good and expected to be how it is." I gulped. "I myself don't know how should I explain to you. Things with me and her aren't going right. But I want you to know is that I am here. I am right here so that you could live well, Aysun. I may not and never find happiness. But I want you to find it. And I will help you."
"Come here." I said and hugged her. "I love you." Aysun's tears started to flow out, her mucus flows out of her nose. I wiped them out, and tell her not to cry, soon she'll be sleeping.
It was almost late, close to 11.00 PM. I then sent her to bed, mend her comforter and set her to sleep comfortably in her bed. I closed the table lamps and her door. Then I sat on a rattan chair, with on my table sits a glass Coca-Cola with ice and a box of Lucky Strike cigarettes.
My mind was replaying the scenes where the day where Sophia demands a divorce. And the very first day she started to leave home frequently. That was a year ago. Sophia wouldn't even step home for days or even months. Aysun was in my charge, left to care during her absence. Yes, it does not make sense at first. It is men who usually does this. Anyways that person would not be deserved to be called a man if he does that.
Gender doesn't have anything to do with this in the first place. Men, women, both are humans. Both are able to lie. She told me she needs to go outstation because she had a presentation, about her architecture design. One in Paris, France. The other in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam. And she won't be home for a month. I told her it's okay. I would let her go.
Two weeks later, her colleagues told me that she has gone back already and that presentation she was supposed to have ended three days earlier. And she had already went back with a friend, as they have said. The next day I was in a coffee house inside a local shopping mall. And we both accidentally bump into each other, with her holding hands with another man. It later grew into a fight as we took to outside, but later it subsided as I tried to bring her home. If she didn't love me, then she could've cared a little for Aysun.
Soon she starts to leave home frequently. Aysun who was with her mother in the past for some time, now looked more lonely and cried, asking where is she? I don't know what to answer. I could only hug her and lied she'll be back in a few hours. Drove her to the bed and close her eyes, hoping she could forget her tears. But it didn't do much. Not long, she would cry again and again. What must I do, I thought. Days after we divorced, Sophia was said to left this country. It is said that she followed her husband who happen to be a chairman of a famous conglomerate company in Asia. Destination, unknown.
Even now I would ask myself. Did I do good on my way to move forward?
* * *
There's more.
haha.
I love tea. And green tea. haha. So random.
Asyraf Amir. 20140305.
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