Shostakovich.

Shostakovich.
The Soviet composer's piece "Piano Concerto No.2 in F Major (2nd Movement)" is my all time favorite piece.

The slow rhythm of the music transverse you to a memory of in the middle of ruins, there's a light of hope that
you would slowly regain yourself.

What I'm trying to convey isn't about the music, it is about myself.

This semester would come to an end. It would mark my 4th term of staying in Sarawak for 2 consecutive years. And throughout
my journey, there has been ups and downs. Although I am on the right track, the decisions I made which I stick on to
the belief that "this is the best decision of my life" brought me into despair at times. Undeniably yes, I made
some life-changing decisions, like joining a volunteering service through Yayasan Sukarelawan Siswa (YSS).

Right or wrong, I have never regretted the fact that I made the mistakes.

Because I believe in change. I believe in taking a step forward and face your challenges bravely.
Some things ends in vain, true. But I was proud of myself. And this isn't a "self-pride" or "egoistic" belief which some
people held. Because they always believe that they were right and they have not made any "wrong turns".

Ignoring that you have done wrong while being conscious is like playing dead while you're alive.
You have chosen not to amend anything and kept the wrong path moving on. That isn't my way.

The pride that I took was rebuilding the remnants of myself. Picking up the pieces that have been broken.

Yes, my strength broke. My health deteriorates. I was physically weakened by something I have not noticed for a long time.
I thought I was loved. But I wasn't. I thought I felt the warmth was near. But it was cold. I thought it was honesty.
But it was a lie.

You can take everything away from me, break away my heart or tore my body apart.

But you can never break my faith and will to survive. I have not lost. I stood my challenges, without hesitation.

And I did. I failed to mend what I thought was repairable. But it was beyond damage.
For this, I regret nothing. I may feel sorry for all the things I've done. The promises we exchanged. The memories we
shared.

I did the right thing to give away all my efforts. And you may judge me for everything I've done.
I blame no one else because for every of my dreams, I've been always a dreamchaser. I threw everything; my treasures,
my strength and even the most valuable, my freedom and time to dedicate something that I loved.

I always told myself, that I wouldn't mind if I lost. I wouldn't mind if nothing ever succeed. Because the least, I tried.

The pursuit of happiness that I sought for years since high school, for my dreams and my love life has never been easy.

People may blame me how I was so confident for what I loved, that it would never fail.
My only reply is, if it's what you loved, why would you doubt so much in it?

Of course failure was in my calculations. Yet I thought I could grow out of it. You know, growing out from your failures.
But the test I received was beyond what I imagined.

I lost my phone. My bike fell off track and I was close to be hit by a car. I almost missed my mid-term. Heavy assignments
and deadlines was closing in. I felt everything was crumbling down and the worst, being alone in what you go through.

It was far than what I could ever imagined.

I fear of losing hope. I felt my strength was on its end. It was to the point I dropped into a total despair and insanity
ever since I felt the last one, after my SPM.

I didn't. I regain myself out of the darkness I went through.
"There's a light in every dark path you pass."

The hands that reached me was my friends, my housemates. I was wrong. I thought I will be forgotten. I wouldn't mind a
particular bit of what happens to me next.

I acknowledged.
Wrong turns, wrong moves, will not meant you'll fail for the rest of your life. It was a dare. And whoever dares, wins.

My faith hasn't been shaken.

My will hasn't been broken.

The life I enjoyed now with the abundance of hope and love from my friends was alike to my family.
I know it will not last forever. But their laughs are enough for my strength to go on.

I sat down and reflected myself. What have I lost. What have I gained.
The invaluable experiences I got will be a lesson for my future outcomes.

I realized all this time, it was my faith that tells me there's hope. And my will that tells me to go forward.

I've been broken. But I have not gave up.

And the Shostakovich's piece ends with a delicate, slow and gradually fast paced piano. And fades out slowly, in elegance.

You will never take my faith and will away from me.
Asyraf Amir. 20160618.