Disfunctionality.

"I'll let you know my story by closing your eyes, ears and stand no closer to a crowd.
And I'll let you feel all the fading colors and distant laughs into
a period of silence where you can only be the one who feels it.
There you'll experienced a momentary loneliness, that you
have you yet experienced a real lonelier life that won't matter anymore when you're used to it."

Disfunctionality.

I missed the March 9th post. I did say I wanted to post something every March 9th. But it's March 29th already.
I spent a day and last night on a library doing all the assignments I had to complete. I fell asleep and woke up on 3.00AM
just to realized that I've spent the last 14 hours in the library. And only slept for 2 hours.

How odd. I haven't got the slightest idea how everything would go well. I showered, putting my clothes slowly without
any rush even knowing the last shuttle would be leaving in any minute.

"What have I accomplished?"

The bus left me without myself waiting, watching it fading into distance. I made a coffee and sat down to wait for a
presentation due today by 4.00PM. Sooner my friends called it off it was cancelled on the very last minute. Another class
was also cancelled. And that I just lost the motivation to accomplish anything after such a turbulent week.

I just thought that how does avoiding the current conflicts you have actually solves anything, knowing that you're still
gonna go through?

So I tried, to be idle and not having any kinds of distress by not doing anything busy. Pretending that it's already "summer"
while it isn't. The truth is, even on "summer" I'd feel left out like everyone's so busy with their life when ironically it's
vacation.

That doesn't seem to make any sense.

If we know that we really had to go through it, why are we avoiding questions or people who we knew that they are our
challenges.

The freedom that we have been wanting so badly isn't supposed to be what it is. Ideally but in reality, it never really
worked in that way. Like having coconut drink on a sunny Perhentian beach.

I've been trying myself so hard going out of loneliness. I thought that I had already did went out.
But no. I did not. Probably I did but it's like something that is attached to me like a bungee rope. The further I went
away from loneliness, the closer I am rebounced back to the shell that I just break through.

In spite of all things that ever happened in our life, we all wished everything would go well but somewhere on the lines
it didn't.

I am pretty fortunate to live with a bunch of housemates who are caring for the whole time. And I'm fortunate that they
do crazy things that makes everyone laughing so hard to death.

But when were out to work and classes, I had to go through a much lonelier day. Going forth and back by myself. Not that I
like it but it seems I've really gotten used to it I guess.

I am not glamorizing it truly. There's nothing to glamorize about when you're alone.
It certainly I am not complaining but the fact is.

It's what everyone feels. I am just some bystander who you read at here happened to point it at more than 50 million people
on earth what it feels like to be alone, translated into words that some people couldn't really do. Because it is so
abstract that it will never make sense to anyone who feels this way. And nothing is so special or meaningful about this.

At the same time I hate it when people try to normalized it, by saying "everyone goes through it" without putting up some
solution and if not, they were suggesting something that they know "it's a mistake that is bound to be made" in the future.

Really guys.

I'm pointing up something that doesn't make any sense to any of us because some of you don't feel it that way.

Because I don't want anyone who reads this sinks into depression and could never get out of the way to see the normal
sunshine that everyone loves to see.

So whenever you wake up, love the first thing that you would do. Perhaps rushing is my way but I have never forgotten
the morning coffee and the smell of it first thing in the morning. And tidying up your bed. Because that'll be the last thing
you'd see after a bad day. The sense of accomplishment for a small thing you first did on your morning is somewhat
exhilarating to me. It gave me a sense of comfort, and that is how I learnt to adapt into any kinds of situation.

What you first did, is important.

And all along the way, don't gloom yourself. Hang it around somewhere on your face of "the smile" and make everyone around
you happy or annoyed by your presence. They'll miss how you do and how "normal" you are by being yourself. Without your
presence perhaps you'll be missed, and you'll probably would be alone by then when you left them.

But they'll feel your lost.

Do what you had to do and never gave up. Never feel disfunction through out the day.

There's a reason why you wake up everyday. And remember.

There are certain things that is out of your control. No matter how tremendous our efforts were and how forgetful they were
on your turbulent times, you can't help it. Accept as it is, be brave to accept the truth. Learn and be careful for the
next time.

Perhaps people would avoid some certain depths of truths.
Clarify them. It doesn't matter if either of you gets hurt in a relationship but after that you'll feel some certain amount
of self-accomplishment: you have encountered your challenges bravely.

Never let anyone live in a world where there's still hope for them to get to you. Because every day, they have enveloped
to certain amount of feeling of missing you no matter how far both of you are.

If you will, clarify out of the phone or what. End it.
If you treasure it, take care of it and find ways to solve it. Every questions has its answers, even if it is assumed.

Live well everyone. Don't be like me. Or be better than me.
Asyraf Amir. 20160329.