Sputnik.

"Ho avuto la libertà, ma non ho visto. Ho avuto il tempo, ma non sapevo. Ho avuto l'amore, ma non mi sento".

"I had liberty, but I did not see. I had time, but I did not know. I had love, but I did not feel."

It's way past midnight, the time I am writing this now.
But I just felt the urge to write something.

Like always, I always had a cup of tea or coffee beside me.

Sitting down here, resting my head against the sofa at home, I'm thinking.
Every possibilities of every single human being. Why do we feel lonely?

I've been writing down, scrapping it again. Deleting word by word, then sentences to paragraphs. Finally the whole thing.
Loneliness is actually indefinable. It's something that you can't describe because it is individualistic.
The feel or the thought of one can't be the same as to what others felt.

Simply to put, one's experience about anything in life can't be the same as the others.
Likewise, loneliness is something that you "personally" feel. Your own feelings can't be the same as others.
It is abstract, it is complicated.

Because your loneliness lies a story. Break ups. Left out by your friends. Things like that.

Whatever the story is, the concept is still there. We do, have something in common; that is loneliness.

Psychologically speaking, humans need food, warmth, rest and things like that. Oh yes, sex.
The affection to have another person consorting you to wherever you go and whatever you do, is somewhat comforting.

Family, friends. But there are certain things that family or friends can't cope.

That's where you felt "the gap" or "the hole" in your heart need to be filled to complete.

But sometimes it didn't have to be the person we admired. For now, forget about family or friends or anything. It could be just anybody. Me, maybe. Your ex, maybe. Or even that is why people have faith in their own religion.

Or even that, they could somewhat deviate from the morals of society. Like visiting brothels.
Worse, involving themselves into drugs.

So to "get out" of the void or the gap that we ourselves made, we tend to "escape" from our real lives. Away from the books we're studying, the work we're doing, everything.
That is where you get people going out, having fun, doing the good things to kill time, attending parties or even clubs.

But remember. Bad, good, isn't the question. It's totally your own choice. Except the misuse of drugs, it does more harm
than good. I never pointed out how are you supposed to have your time out.

Because the question is how you spend your time, is your own choice. The very main point of you spending your time is
to "satisfy" yourself. Don't forget that.

Loneliness is a question that needs to be answered, by yourself.

You read me, because I only give out my thoughts. It's a free country, I can do anything. But wait, read me more.

I feel lonely, because I feel there's a void that only certain things can be filled to make me feel good.
Even if the things I do may still make me feel lonely after all, I still do it.
Even if it would make me feel bad little bit.

Forget about my theories and every words that I said.

Have you ever been anywhere alone?

You can't understand loneliness once you yourself try to feel it.

Eating lunch alone, walking in the rain alone, walking back from your class alone. It's like these things, that people don't really understand much.

It isn't painful to be all alone. Because you all are afraid of such sentiments and judgements. That is why you're afraid to be alone.

When you eat alone in a restaurant or anywhere, you'd get the feel like "look, forever alone is there!" or like "you're so weird for being alone".

Because you took these things too much, is that's why you can't bear it when you "have" to be alone. What happens if you're stranded somewhere in an island?

Let's not think of an island. What if someone out there, doesn't even bother a shit about you?
Your family, your friends, your woman or man or whatever. They're not gonna be 24 hours for you. So what are you going to do?

Sit there and continue to ask yourself "why am I alone"?

I used to like this girl and I could describe her hair, her nose, the slenderness of her body and everything.
Her laughs, especially the curvature of her smile and everything.

But even more I immersed myself to the thought of her, I couldn't do a single thing. Back then I didn't have the courage
how to make people happy. But if I could say how stupid I was falling in love with her, I couldn't stop that thought
because she was the one who could fill my "void".

What could I do? Do I have money? Do I have time? Do I still have that love?
I do, but before I could know it, I didn't realize that it was already too late.

So now, who could fill this "void" or "gap"?
If I could laugh 10 million times just to find out that I am a happy man forever maybe I would but no.
Things just don't work as it is.

That is where you have to be strong. Start not making any excuses anymore for your failure. It is to strengthen yourself
and move on.

The only way to hapiness, is to find where it is. Life is a road.

It's kind of horrible feeling at times. When you're sick, you didn't have anyone to give you the confidence "you'll be okay". When you're walking in a crowd you didn't know, you wanted someone to be next to you "it's okay, carry on".

You know. Going to the shopping mall alone, going to the class alone. It feels sad at times but I always remember you can't be happy unless you try to be happy.

I have been left in the jungles. I am trained, mentally set myself for the worse cases alone.
Not bragging but even if you're not me, you can. By not trusting anyone but yourself.

You can, do it.

You must be wondering why "Sputnik", kan?

“And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. 
From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than  prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. 
When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to  cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. 
But that was only for the briefest moment.  In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.” 
- Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart. 

It's close to 3.00AM now. Hours then would be sunrise.
The following day would mark the Chinese New Year.

Happy New Year. Haha.

Angpau for me?
Asyraf Amir. 20150218.