For now, let's hold on the stories for a while.
Rugby. Always bruises. Always. Now no more asking about the boots. They are Adidas Predator. That is why it is #legendary, 2 years with 2 stitches. Still good. haha.
I was trying to think what would be the best words to describe all things that have happened to me right now. It is so hard to summarise things. Imagine having a large thick book to be compressed with its contents into a small notebook, within all the information is there.
To put it in short, I am at loss for the right words, right now.
I live life as it is. It is nothing but a simple one. Last week, I sent my second sister to Switzerland as she would be staying there for long, leaving only me and one older sister at home. This week I attended RMC's 2014 OP-PP Games. The rest are my part-time job and rugby, along with writing.
It was a pleasant one. To put it in a simpler form, it's as if I have came to my own home.
I remembered a grafitti of some seniors writing on a wall that says "It is the place that I hated the most, but loved the most." I found it very deep.
Some of my batch mates wasn't there. Most of them had flown out of Malaysia for studies. And another part of them lived far away from Kuala Lumpur. So it wasn't possible for them to come. It was a little saddening not to see some people.
After playing. Heh!
That day, rugby was usual. I didn't get to play my favourite position. Flanker was the only one that they didn't have that day.
It was a good game. Most of the time it was all chatting session, jokes and stories. Then we went up to the new complex. The old building is still nostalgic though. The sound of bugler (a military tradition where they a kind of trumpet to mark the phases of the day) before lunch gave me chills, remembering my days during RMC. The song that was played was called "The Last Post" and it was nothing but a small trumpet played throughout the day in a saddening tone.
It was even sadder to think that the next day marks the time where my friend died right in front of me.
Would anything be the otherwise, would there be a different fate or situation in some other way?
I know it doesn't make sense. But I just wanted to say, I grew stronger. And that is all.
In my free time, I write stories, several of them were on my laptop. But I kept thinking "should I ever publish these stories, even if how bad the critics would be, even if there's less time to do so?". What kind of stops me is that, who'd accept such amateur writing?
That's what I thought at first. I guess I'll just have to throw the dice and let the waves flow wherever they wanted to. I wouldn't mind if it fails though.
In order to keep my life busy, I've been working around the clock. Just as Murakami said, you need time to mature, you need experiences. Yes, at the same time I am heading the direction as a writer.
It's a local shopping mall. A big one, KLCC. I was the one who replenishes stocks, arrange all the things needed to be displayed, helping people what kind of stuff they needed and more. I guess I don't have to elaborate more on that. I am just a part-timer.
Sure. There had been cases of people not lining up, and I got myself cussed by a random stranger for instructing an advice. More on that are those kinds of people who doesn't smile at you back, demanding something that you don't even have. Not that I'm complaining but it's normal. I am immune to those things. At some cases, I fought back. True.
But where was I all these years?
I went to a college. The college that give CGPAs to kids who didn't shine during their SPM years. To put it over, it is a ticket to a university. Like a train ticket. You give efforts and they give you the ride.
But it wasn't an easier kind of "ride". For me it was hard. Upon completing two years, I told myself "Hey, you did! You did it Amir!" but I realize sooner, that I still had a long way to go.
So saying it a "freedom granted" after your big exam ended is just a temporary happiness. You were in a cage before. You were freed. And then you went into another kind of cage. Probably bigger or a smaller one, but definitely different situation.
You're just living in a cage of a cage. That's what I realize all these trials about.
However, life isn't a cage. How you see or perceive it may look like a cage because you're attached into something. In reality, you're just like another free bird who needed a direction. A ronin (a masterless Samurai) who needed a goal to live by.
What's the point of living by the sword, when you are no a longer a warrior without a mission or vision?
I sat down and think. What is it now, that I have to do?
Days had passed by the time results came out. It really, really went well. Almost unexpected. But my worries didn't end there. There's a part of my mind that constantly think of 10 to 20 years ahead. What would I be or so. Sooner it develop a hollow part in myself.
It was a fear. The fear of stepping forward that blinds everyone to be brave and go far away from the place that they're stepping at.
What life would get after this. What life could be and stuff.
Even people who sheath their swords and those who reload their weapons thought twice to kill this fear.
I am not being metaphoric. It's reality. And I hate to admit it but it seems all of our lives are determined by grades when we know it just costs nothing but a simple word that everyone wants, A.
It is saddening. Who wanted to fail in life? Nobody had never did wished to be the one. Everyone wanted an achievement. Something they could treasure it lifetime.
It's weird. I've seen doctors and people who were thought to be so called respected with an honour, distinction of a degree/bachelor but acted out no less different than a primary school kid. Are these really the people they have produced, out of straight A's?
Everyone can claim these and that. Sure thing. Everyone can lie. Everyone can accept your lie. Vice versa.
But not everyone could correspond to their actions. Not becoming as a hypocrit, which is to say.
In the end, it's a case of "the end does not justify its mean".
How hard I know this road is going to be, I am still going forward with as much as things I wish to think about.
Life is not resolved by grades, said Onizuka Eikichi.
If you all know that guy, you are awesome. haha.
Our life if to picture it in a nature form, could be seen as flowers. They blossom to one point that they are so wonderful & beautiful.
The ending is, they wilt, fall from their willow or oak trees that planted them and descended to the earth gracefully.
Like someone who used to have wings, now loses them and began to falter.
I said the "life is wonderful & beautiful" because it does have its beautiful and wonderful side of it. Despite all the sadness. From work, the OP-PP games and until now, I have met thousands of people to know that I wasn't the only one who had to gave up the his dreams.
A lot of them I found were supportive. A lot of them I found were very helpful in times of when I need them. For that, I thank them, all of them until now.
Oh yeah, Yun Qiu! Thanks for visiting me at work! Fly safely to US soon! haha.
He is on the second, left. Far right, is my squad leader. He is now in NDUM.
"Tenanglah engkau di sana, wahai sahabatku."
Asyraf Amir. 20140624.
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