Learn to Accept.

It was on the weekends. A lovely weekend, yet a peaceful one. And I don't know why, but I've suddenly felt like Rocky Balboa, running on the streets in the morning.

the morning. Just another 2 miles jog. Reminds me a lot of my days running around at 4.00AM. Just that I went out on 8.00AM. haha. Choyy.

Oh yeah. December is ending sooner. And that came to me, those things like:

"What should I do?"

"I'm turning 20!" 

I was staring at the blue sky. Then I randomly listed out reasons why I'm still living up to this day. And I was thinking, whether if someday, we're surely are going to lose something that we love, something that we treasure.

But what was it?

I hadn't lose my faith yet in believing, someday probably I could reach my dreams, even though I am unsure of myself; to become a writer. It is somewhat dull, somewhat short sighted as perceived by others. And yeah probably their right.

But I didn't really care I guess. Because that's about probably what I could do.
You can't force me to hold calculators and pressing its buttons randomly.

But then I again I think. What if holding calculators was the only thing I could do now? Should I or should I not continue of what I am doing?

Lately I was called by lecturers, regarding of my performances in my studies. They were worried, if later on I won't be accepted to any university. That, I get it.
But what I don't understand is that, why do people think of those who performed poorly are those who never strived at all in what they are doing?

It is simply stereotyping people, without having a look what are their interests.
Why do we take grades as if it is equal to our life?
I mean, when you harassed people for good grades, doesn't it hurt those who are really trying hard when they don't even know their doing it right?

Therefore, I rebelled.

But as soon as I finished my arguments, I have a thought again when I was called to another lecturer. It was another perspective I have not yet looked at.

It was "learning to accept".
As soon as she started that, everything that seems to be so hard and complex, as if it was a bunch of building blocks finally shattered, collapse to the ground.

It was the very foundation of "why do we learn things" and the utmost conclusion "why do we make mistakes".

True story. Humans make mistakes. Everyone does. Be it awkward or not. But hardly we ask ourselves.

Do we accept them? Do we accept things as it is? Do we accept on how have things turned out so bad after we had tried?
Moreover, did we learn anything from it? Did we practice what should be avoided in the future?

For example, you tried your best in your exam. You don't like what you're learning but you know you still had to do it. You don't even have a choice in the first place. You study, do the tests and got the results; it's bad. You might've just said in life, "Oh, shit happens" and then it turns out that
you accepted the fact that you failed. You didn't like it, fine.
But all along the way, did you accept what have you learned in the first place?

So I thought I was on the right track. I thought I was as if, driving on the right lane even though knowing it'll be a hard one.

But it wasn't. All along the way, I have never made the effort to accept what I went through, even if I have accepted the fact that it is going to be hard and I still had to try my best.

But, "trying my best" somehow, should I say, it was going nowhere when you hadn't learn anything.

In the end, I live with my own very principle; I love writing, I didn't like calculating. Though I do not hate it.
But should I keep my principle for the sake of what I'm doing now? Am I accepting
things correctly?

Had it been possible for me, if I believe, understood and accepted things as it is, I probably would have done better.

And now (which is back then), I laid on the grass field after a morning jog and think, what should I do before these 4 months in my college ended? What should I put as my new resolution in the new year?

What should I hope?
Do I even have a hope?

All along the way, people cheered you up. People looked after you. People smiled at you. I mean it is lovely.
The world is really beautiful. When you thought about the people you love, the person you like, the people and how they smiled at you. It really gives you the reason, why do you live today. A hope that we still rely
onto.

And that is happiness.

I wonder if I had been accepting things as it is, happily accepting them.
Perhaps it is just me.

When you look at a mistake that you have made and noticed it far later, it is like you looking at a burning city, that is already turning into remnants of your hope. Damaged, but not completely destroyed.
But little much there's hope. A hope that I could hang onto and continue to develop them, even with so much to so little.

But much less, if I view the world in a broader way, there are many reasons that I can't back down. If you view the world as how you view a textbook, there's lots of stuff that you don't know. But you can never know how broad or big is it.

Not many can learn to accept. And not many could have the courage, to continue with
their challenges. Up until today.

"Kalau 10 kali kata susah, memang lah benda itu jadi susah."
da.Asyraf Amir. 20131229.