The pain of learning.

"Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart."

- Haruki Murakami, Kafka On The Shore.

"Which school are you from?"

"How tough was your life?"

At one point, these two similar questions have completely erased my words to translate images from my mind. I wasn't able to describe the images from my memories to words. As if it was too heavy. My tongue become tight. My mouth's freezes itself. Words again became harder to describe. 

In the end, I just simply say "It's all the past.", brushing them off with a smile.

Everything is just too bitter and tragic. With a lot of sweet times. Everything just mixes together and it tastes like an ice-cream you've never tasted of.

You're probably bored of me saying this, but I wanted to say it again and again. It's been a long time I haven't write anything here. haha.

Yes, it has been busy weeks and days for long. We used to count days to exam by days, but now we used weeks. It sounded like your life is going to end sooner or later but, whatever. I personally hate that fact, but what to do. Accepting it wholeheartedly and forgetting hate is what all I can do.

Arrived at new place, holding my luggage on left hand, and on my right hand was files of my personal information. I don't know how should walk. How should I greet teachers/lecturers the way I usually greet. Should I "brace up" (chest up-tight, straight) and said "good morning" or what? I forgot how I normally do when I was in SAB. Not that I don't want to do it, get used to it. It has become my principle. It's like someone is scolding you for not doing things right, but actually you're doing it "a real-right". I'm just not sure if you understand them.

In the end, I walked straight. With my alma-mater tie on my neck, I threw away every awkwardness that exists inside me. I cheered myself up "Everything is going to be alright, nobody is going to give you any sorts of punishment." and "It's okay to do something wrong, everyone had screwed up in their life before."

They still said I looked like a real officer. While the actual fact is that I'm just a civilian like them. I can only smile, and thinking "How did I get here, and how long can I reach my dreams?" 

I just calm myself down, and said "I'll get there in no time."

Again, the pain of learning. To transform yourself into another person is just simply hard. This is myself. How I do things, how I manage things. I realized I could not undo it, nor redo it. It has become something like my own principle.

There were series of flashbacks in this new place I arrived to. I just simply reacted on like how I was back then. There was a guy whom approached me who was really nice. He came to me and knew my name, and I only knew his name days later. He was also like me, pretty much talkative and active. 

One day he was screwed. What to do, he was on presentation and said he wasn't ready. Got scolded and stuff. In the end he apologized. If I was there, I knew probably there was something I could do. I still remember that principle, "think of your every actions, whether it was selfish or above yourself." If the presentation had grades (it probably did, lol, the teacher was jotting down stuff), then it affects his friends too. 
Then there was another girl who was our classmate too. She's about to tell the same thing like the guy, I covered up by my spontaneous skills in presentation. lol. Poked around some jokes and make fun of other people. haha. 


But from there, I can tell everyone is pretty much honest. Which is the downside of myself. There's probably tons of things I don't know about them yet. They knew to almost zero percent to me, I guess. I was used to with things like helping your comrades and stuff. I can't blame them for not knowing them. Friends are one of the awesome things you can have.


Beats me. I don't know.

One of the things that my past taught me was "to get suited into a new atmosphere quickly and get used to things quickly so that you can progress like everyone or better." Not to mention pushing everyone in the same level too was something they stress upon of. But here, there's no pushing. It was "getting used to things".

A week had passed and I realized I've known so much people and friends, even the ones I do not remember their names but they knew my name. It was quite awkward, but I threw it away, thinking that wouldn't be good to ignore people. I don't befriend with them out of pity, but honesty. Just friends. Nothing else.

As I opened the paper of my first chemistry quiz, I came to shock and ask "what the hell did I just learn back then?" Now that I thought, it's not that I don't want to learn it. But I don't get a chance to learn them back then. But I don't fault, blame anyone for that reason. It was no one's fault. It's just another misfortune I stumbled upon. Beats me. All I can do was just brush it off with a breath and take my mind to the sky.

Think of nothing. Listen to the sound of the wind and set myself to zen.

As I saw my friends doing the same question I did, I could only stare at them, writing pieces of numbers and words that are unknown to me. While one question that asks for "molarity" or "balancing ionic equation" was simple to them, I took over 20 minutes solve them.

It's like seeing people who can hold and write properly while you can't. You just don't know what to write.

But I remember the saying "Don't go to the battlefield by saying 'I wasn't trained for this'." But yes it's true, books. I wasn't that genius either. Just average. Surprisingly I can do well in maths. Oh, the irony. And so I was called upon her, the lecturer whom I gave words how to be confident (whaaat? exacta. I was too, wondering why me.)

She asks why I can't do it. Told her the same reason. Because I felt inferior. But I was wrong. I wasn't. In fact she said straight-As students too can't do some simple stuff like this, and many of those who are like me manage to do well. I'm not sure if it's true, but all I can do was just to do and believe it. There, I was awarded, with an extra class. A personal one. haha.

In short, my life was different than theirs. But I just simply got to do well in everything I do. Things aren't as the same as before, you can't make that as an excuse.

Always remind yourself, every misfortune happens for a reason. In fact, we may not know how long can we continue to hog onto our hardship and weaknesses. But that's probably the reason why we must stay strong and move forward.


These are the only things that I can share. It's just words and photos of my past. Nothing much. 
Everyone rants on how busy their college life are, but they didn't it was too short and forgot to smile as they go. I hope these can make you happy. Nothing much, but yeah.


Arrived by the wind.
Asyraf Amir. 20120706.