Views and discretion are my own, none else.
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Most people thought that you cannot fall in love so fast.
True, but how wrong were they. If they think 30 seconds is fast enough for something to happen. For me, 30 seconds felt as if the world moves slowly and the ticks of clock won't bother to make a noise only if tomorrow comes.
30 seconds is long enough, for you to fall in love.
Let me tell you a real story, half of the odyssey what my pen and papers to keystrokes witness.
It was summer if you lived in the west. But on the east, it was the end of monsoon as far as I could remember. The hot sun, dry winds and rainless night replaced a moody and cold odd weeks of monsoon.
I thought my kind of summer ended. The season and the month I would always reflect back on my love life, would be the very best month I would ever had. It was the otherwise. I had a blunt sight for the future. I had no motivational grooves existing throughout my whole body system. There was none. This was the fourth semester of my second year.
So I spent my days where I supposed to study during study weeks, by hanging out with people I have not known. There she came questioning about my opinions, ideas to the knowledge I have. Ah, oddly my results are great. Thankfully, it came out just nice.
In the month of July to September, those were the days I would remember.
We first met for such a long time at a talk. Her bristled hair flew in shade of sun, emitting red rays over the strands of her silky hair. I wouldn't say it is a familiar sight. But had you seen it, you would change your opinion to me anyhow.
I wouldn't care less for a "creep" namecalling to a beauty I have seen with my own eyes. You will not know, and will never know.
At the time, I kept my words to myself. I wouldn't think someone like her would fall in love with me. It is too impossible.
C'est pas possible. But she did. We did. C'est possible.
So then we get to know each other, she found out I love to micro & macro manage things when working. Somewhat a commander, because she made me do a personality test.
The further meet up with her was at a train station. People were jostling and cars bustles around you without further a due. I wasn't late. But I was, you could say.
The spark of knowledge and ideas when she was around was somewhat spectacular. I am not exaggerating; but had you seen her speaking and talking to people around, you would see you're actually falling for an iron lady who thinks farther than you. When she was presenting her ideals in front of the audience, when she was projecting her opinions to people, my eyes saw a brighter shade of light that shines in front of me. She was an equal challenge or more than me, though she wouldn't like me saying it.
The movie was out. As it runs further, she held my hands. I remembered the tenderness and the warmth of her presence next to me, there was not a thing in this world could replicate such gesture. The weight of her head made me fell asleep rather than enjoying what was projected in the cinema. I felt the months and years I spent being alone evaporated. Nothing seemed to be more than ever important than the moment itself.
Before we left, our shoulders embraced. I remembered how tight her hands wrapped around my waist while she whispers,
"Just for a while".
That was the longest I ever had someone wrapped around me. The few moments that felt it was long, but time made it faster which made each one of us felt like it flew faster than our present moment. As of me, I never had anyone so expressive as her. And the whispers of adorement came to my ears, jolting all my senses that "this is real".The word "love" really did came out, without lies, without passion. All the people did not matter, my fears and worries disappeared.
I left her a novel, "Rosewater". The book was about a journalist going to Iran, being far away and not knowing what would become of him while in prison. In short, the journalist came back after he was imprisoned. It was more than a message, as I would came back. No matter how it turns out, I will try to keep my words, stay healthy and well.
As Kuala Lumpur's cars and lights eclipsing to one another and the noise of the sidewalks echoes, my world was slowly converging to hers. I remembered, the sight of hers seeing the city from the train station. There was nothing else like her.
The hair and her black polka dress, that was what I see from her back, towards the KLCC.
I will never know what lays ahead of anyone's darkest hours, including hers. You will never know the backstage story of anyone else in this world. You may caught a glimpse of what they are going through. But each one of us, will never to be enough to understand.
As of me, I did my very best efforts for her. And that is my best hope.
In her remarks, she feared that she would hurt me further during her despair.
We shared kinda the same taste of music. No matter how scientific we could be, we always had certain areas of arts that we found to have a similar interest. I like jazz, she likes jazz. I enjoyed Shostakovich to Chopin, she seemed not to mind any of it, which I do. No matter what music that was played on my stereo and headset, her voice would always be one of my favorite things to listen. Her husky voice could very well replay Chris Connor or Saloma with their likes. As if you just time travelled to 1960s.
The last I ever gotten anything of her was a classical music, that she sent me a link. It was Mahler Symphony No. 9. Mahler was a classical musician that lived around 1900s. Classical music isn't just about the piano, violins to the whole band of orchestra. Every pieces that was played is like a story that was told. Mahler wrote Symphony No. 9 for a goodbye to his daughter, when she died. It was a farewell piece. For her part, she is smart in choosing what kind of song.
But I guess that was the message.
I wasn't mad, dissatisfied or sad about it. To me, my story with her was akin to a novel coming out in real life. I've always enjoyed each and every moments, talking with her to sharing my thoughts of what the world should really be in our very own perspective. Even if sometimes it came out differently.
On Saturday the 5th 2016, I went to a Freedom FilmFest where they screen shortfilms and documentaries about democracy and political movements. I met with number of people who shared their stories and efforts, working Malaysia towards a better place.
I interviewed few people of what they do. I ask questions about their passion. I did inquiry on how do they express their opinions and how do they do their work. Within such a small place condoned in a ballroom, I have never thought to found my greater purpose of what I really want to do in life. There was a man who was just a bystander, completely someone who seemed timid but was actually someone who "watches from far". And the man too, believed in transparency and democratic values. (I would not elaborate further, for discretion reasons.)
What is it that I would really like to be. Which I know would be so hard. In fact I have no clue how did I come over to get it done. But that is what I want to be. And I am so damn confident that it is "what I really want to do", for I wanted to become the faces of tomorrow. I didn't realize I was actually walking to a road that would lead me to there. What fate that I would have, I will never know. But it is great to know, that my efforts are actually fruitful.
There I remembered her words, "whatever it is that you plan in venturing into, do not ever give up". I will persevere in whatever challenges I would face. I am grateful to have such reason, it is true that people say. Some people came to your life as a gift. Or as a test. She came as both, which was beautiful.
I would become part of the guardians of this country. I would be in the uniformed service serving Malaysia. Whatever would that lead me to be, I would use what knowledge I had for a unified and forward country that I and every other Malaysians dreamed.
Because had you seen it with my eyes, hear it with your ears and feel every of them with your senses, you would direct your heart to take my hand then to follow me for a brighter future that I saw out there.
With prayers and Godspeed, may happiness be with us all.
And she would be the last that I thought, before I sleep.
Asyraf Amir. 20161107.
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