Glass Flower.

"My life is like a glass flower."

That's how I would describe myself in an easier context, at least. Glass Flowers look firm on the outside. They are hard yet heavy and looks beautiful. But when you toss it carelessly, they brittle, they broke. No matter how strong a person is, there's always something that's gonna break them down.

I remember my mother owns a set of glass flower she bought in Poland. One of them got broke on the "stem" but she still keeps them. I guess the correct way of saying all these is:

"My love life is like a glass flower."

I had always loved people to the point I forgot to love myself. It had always been selfless. I tried to stay & stick to what I've always had been. Socialize, but never get too attached to any woman. Happiness is, but always about yourself first.

But now I can't.

Now it seems more ridiculous to say or deny I should've been in love. In fact, I felt I was lucky. I regretted nothing.

"How?"

I fell in love everyday with the same person. I can write you a poem about her. Her hair, her skin, her beauty, her touch, her aggressiveness, her softness, her face, her body, her personality.

Everything.
Everything of what I see.

But like Yukio Mishima said, "Beauty is something that burns your hand when you touch it."

There are limitations and certain things I do not know of her.
At times really, I felt useless. I felt in all the time of life the me being right where I really am isn't there in her world. I felt I was shrugged, off to some limitation or the edge where I will only be needed at certain times. Even if I feel demotivated or fell ill, her smile would always cheered me wherever I go.

And I always said to her,

"I'll always be there for you."

I wanted to run away from loneliness.
But it caught me like a shadow. And you know how does it feels? Every night I couldn't feel a single warmth. It feels so cold, it got me like I wasn't needed for a single second of this world.

I got drowned into overthinking, with your images playing on my mind. I fell into paranoia, where helplessness is what I only feel.

The really one thing that stood right there where I needed someone to hear me is when she said one simple word.

"Hey."

That electrified me.
I remembered a quote from "Kafka On the Shore" by Murakami.

"If you remember me then, I don't care if anyone else forgets."

I don't really know how should I put it together.
Every night I would cover my eyes with my pillow. Hoping that I would close my eyes and fall asleep without thinking anything. But my hands waited you with my phone for you to call or text me.

And you know what? I feel like I am grounded from somewhere, lived in a box that I could only see the outside without touching them. I've always love people so much that I forgot to love myself. With that way it is, I felt so stupid. It feels horrible to know that when you love someone, and suddenly out of nowhere they left you.

And I fear that moment will ever, ever, ever come.

There are certain things you can't explain your own actions.

You just do it because you love them. And I don't need all the more reasons to care and list them down.

No one ever wants to be left out. Even if some time of the day, they needed to be alone.

I don't need advices. I just need someone to listen to my thoughts, my words.
I just needed my heart to be connected.

I've always love you. I really do, and will always do.
Asyraf Amir. 20151029.