Running Away.

(Written on 6th of August 2014).

I woke up.

When I look at both of my hands, they were clear & vivid. Closing my eyelids, opening them, they are real.
"I am alive. Why?"

Fantasy do not coincedes with reality. When it does, it hits us right back to where we are, as if we are sleeping
and someone toss us over a cold river.

To me, to think of possibilities in life is really scary.

Everyone fears going to exam. Everyone has this kind of heart thudding inside your chest, as if it would explode
in every way or pieces sooner.

I am no different than any other ordinary students. The only difference is I showed a bravado that stands out to
everyone, a fake kind of bravery in which you feel, "you do or you die."

Days and months, passes by. The day I brought my luggage, say goodbye forever to my friends, I thought that was
the day I said "farewell was said, finally." It's not, and it never was one of the happiest thing one could ever
said. It is an exhale, a sigh after a horrendous fight.

"How long was it I looked up over this kind of life", I thought.

Free from every failure possibilities. Free from every single situation that forces me in a do or die situation.

To think back until now, it's kind of sad how some of my friends dropped out from two years programme.
I still remembered a guy punching a wall before an exam. A kind of self-frustration that I do knew, because I felt
it too sometimes. He then noticed I was looking at him in short distance. I wanted to say "don't worry, bro.
nothing's wrong and everything'll be fine."

I looked down to earth. Shook my head. Glanced my sight towards another direction. And said, nothing.

Nothing at all.

The world can be cruel. Where there's words that could save someone from the brink of destruction, the other
had nothing to offer and we only had to watch over someone, as if that person was a ship sinking from its
failures.

I wasn't saying him a failure. Maybe it was never his fault. This programme was seen as "a second chance in
life" because it's sort of like a "university entrance ticket". I would view my life there, in that way.
But it also depends on your performance. One slight mistake you do when you jump the hurdles, your chance would
is gone.

I was one of those, who almost had his chances gone. Thank God, I succeeded.

Up to this day, I can still say that this is the best possible achievement that I got. I graduated the last
exam without any failures, and I did what I had to do. I pushed every single last bit of my strength to
prove one day to this world that grades aren't everything, even by doing the opposite. Like I was doing then.

I also would like to prove that efforts, if you tried your best to think of every positive sides, you could
win anything that you tried in your life.

I said not because it isn't a mere words of advice that could not yet be foreseen. It is words, that shows
challenges are possible to overcome.

"God gives us challenges, so that we could overcome."

Until today then, a new kind of challenge came to me. A kind of probability, that gives me the chills.

"This, is the final decision that is to be awaited." I thought.

I closed my eyes. All I sensed are fears. All I see are visions. All feel ahead of me are nothing far I could see.

I am blind to the future. I am worried whether about the chances getting into a university.

All I could do is see and wait for what happens to my fate.

It is fate, for one that could only do to wait.

Fate.

I guess so. Maybe all I feel are fears. Maybe all I feel are worries. That I only wished for it to be
evaporated. Move away in every of my senses.

Another part of me feels dying. It feels nothing but pain.

"I was always alone. Always." I said this to myself.

For some reasons, things do not matter anymore whether people understood me or not. I understood myself.
I feel that is completely fine.

Oddly, it made me smile. Because it is only you, who truly know yourself & your stories.

Even if people deny the very existence of you & your stories, the one who truly knows you is yourself.
And God.

True. If anyone is this world isn't making you any happy, you could make one for yourself.
Asyraf Amir. 08062014.

Happy Birthday, Eunis. haha.