New Year, New Identity.

Today is Tuesday. The 1st of January, 2013. Now I'm writing this on evening of 5pm. 
Hey there. Happy New Year. 
Speaking of new year, I think this "new year" is one of the most quietest celebration in my life. 
Which I usually become happy and tweet here and there. It is different now.

A lot has happened in 2012. Everything was as if new. As new as a white paper. Everything was so foreign and  indifferent. I wouldn't say what I went through was the same old shit that I go through failures.
But the year 2012, had really give me a sort of an impact throughout my whole life until today.

I would've admit to you that I was always afraid of losing or failing. Having that sort of "kiasu" feeling,
I would say it makes you unconfortable.
Everyday I would pray and hope that on evening it wouldn't rain so that I could play football with my friends.
I was always worry that it would be my last time playing with them. It's not just having fun.
And fighting and hating are just two stupid things that I would always try to forget by laughing. 
But being with your friends, you felt a sort of warmth being part of some family.

You'll only catch cold, if you try to be alone. At least, that's what I believe.

Everytime you see the calendar, you would always see the holidays part which was probably highlighted or colored.
But I would always worry the day where I would have to sit down and take exams. 

Worries. It exists, because it keeps me alive. It's give me a reason for me to live. 
That's what I see.

Other than that. Everytime I see the sheep like clouds moving in the blue skyand the cold wind passing by, 
I could feel how many seconds have flew away while were doing something.
It's sort of weird, you could say. But I kept on asking myself. 
"What I wanted to do before December ends?"

So I tried many things, that I have never even tried before. Like, I love playing guitar even if I'm not so good,  you could say a "noob". And karaoke-ing with my friends. But doing that in front of other people, is something  I never thought of doing it before. It's really new. I kept on thinking the awkwardity of doing that
in front of many people. haha. Probably, I'll try.

Another part of 2012 that I want to highlight are the challenges. 
I would say a lot of things was more to choices, more to new things that I have never even done before.
To summarise it up, a lot of things happened unexpectedly.

I didn't know what I've learned back 2 years in my old college was really going to be valuable.
I didn't know what I've learned was really going to be put into test. 
It was already inside me. That leadership, discipline things and all that. I kinda got sick of it.
But I just didn't know that those things, are really useful in my life right now.

Sometimes when they show me those motivational videos and those things like where I came from.
It just doesn't get to me. It's like, it only touch the gates of my heart. 
I have rejected a motivational talk before. Because I knew what were the contents.
I know what was going to happen, even if it's slightly different.
I'm not judging a book by it's cover. Not that I've never went there, I did.
It's probably because I didn't want to see my old self.

Sometimes I really didn't want to do things that I've already done back then. 
I always got a flashback. I'm not someone who looks into his past. Neither loves talking about it. I just don't.
But it was probably I miss them, I miss the places where I go and I miss the place where I used to live.
You'd probably wouldn't understand what I tried to say.
Let's just say I felt "veteran". Old.

Even if how many friends you have in this world, you would still feel lonely.
But how you make your world brighter, is up to you. You're the only one who could change your own world.

"Where I go, is not important. Just knowing I'm alive, is fine."
Asyraf Amir. 20130101.