Now and the 80s.

(Discretion: I'm talking vaguely. If you understood that's great, you got the basics. Here's a cookie for you.)

If you talk with boomers about the 80s where economy everywhere was somewhat at its best, trying to compare today's era and then is like comparing stone age and today. This idea of comparison came due to the current batshit & shitshow situation we are in now. Everyone's affected.

Democracy 101: I really believe every citizens should have the right to vote. And that elected official should be given the time, to deliver their manifesto. It is every citizens sacred duty to go out & vote.

But with COVID 19 in this era and so on, that's kinda impossible right? You don't have to look far at India to see what happened. I mean, there's Sabah. You already knew who did what. 

The system crumbles within - not due to the parties or grassroots itself but the elites. The painful reality that no one sees is once you joined politics, your hands are "dirty". Over the years, you could see much of "rebranding" done after what happened last year. 

What bothers me the most isn't the fact that we hoped for a change or it is still the same product with a different design box. Yes, I am mad but that isn't the root of the madness going on. "Ah I've seen this man before", says we who came unsurprised. It isn't also the fact that people did nothing right after that. No one wants to die & aggravate the situation much more worse! Especially not knowing the cure for COVID that time!

And special attention not knowing what happens to the poor and already desperate middle incomers. Oh, and the young! So no one can go demonstrate or do anything. But to rely and believe the government can solve things.

So what is it really that I am stress about? There are two things. Idiocy and incompetence.

We knew about "politics are dirty" and that once you got yourself involved, basically your life is a reality TV show with a more expandable character than Kardashians and more harder to keep up to. Hence, we knew about how elites rule in every other way that is known to the open source information that we have in the internet. 

You, as a politician could deny where and how did some gross amount of coins came into your bank account. Or you can just admit but tell other things, by cutting off your weakest link. Politics is a game of chess. Go big or go home - certainly not for you if you love to cry and rant to your social media. You can gain supporters from your symphatizers & that's what young people of my age do but really - you're just another replaceable pawn. The elites 1 and you: 0.

The problem in idiocy it isn't those who are in power and still have control for their "continuity to live". But it is the people, who let the same person to be relevant in these era where they should just go out and retire. We knew that the elites are people from the same circle but after tracing some bank accounts and for some clues of "the blunders" in our country, there are still people who were blind to the fact that our country was going in a healthy direction back in 2018.

It is still shocking to know that there are people who wish it was like the 80s where everything was great. Banks and business were flourishing. KLCC and high rise buildings are on the way. Definitely the living conditions changed and Malaysia was a perfect destination for foreign investors. Don't believe what I'm saying? Asian countries really believed they are in economic miracle. 

What people don't remember is what happened in the stock crash. Perhaps some sort of amnesia, or probably because oblivious to know that the market fixes "by itself". Hence, everything was fine except for what happens after that. Problem is, the rich gets richer. And you, poorer. You really believed your life was improving but that's because life was adapting itself in a technology which makes your everyday life easier; washing your clothes can be done with washing machine, you don't need the noisy typwriter if you earn yourself a Microsoft Word or even a smartphone! What else I can say? What has really change in terms of living expenses and technology? 

In the late 80s, we were able to shift ourselves from reliance in agriculture to IT. Because we really believed that was our future at the time. Probably because, yes! We put the right people in their rightfully deserved post by election! I repeat, PROBABLY.

But with time, people get drunk out of successes they made. Power, what used to be as a mandate now becomes a tool for oppression and opium. And that's when incompetency comes in place. Should our eyes are wide open to the batshit that is happening and that we keep them in power, I call that idiocy and incompetence combined. We fail as citizens. To keep the power for checks and balances. We fail to protect the needy.

These elites will stay in power as they have an agenda. You? What do you have? But to keep your business going, they have the money. You don't. You need permissions. The dilemma stands. Hence, the cycle. Hence, the idiocy. Hence, the incompetency.

So what has changed since the 80s until today? Should we just be proud of what we achieved back then, only to cover the salt already in our wound? Or should we just watch it burn, as we have watched the brain drain where countless of talented Malaysians who migrated to other countries? But whose fault again, was it? Who denied their rights as Malaysians to live normally & enjoy their status as free citizen who should be able to give back to their country - suddenly ran away? What happened to the IT dream that we had back then? Shouldn't we be able to produce more than just new models of Proton cars or more yields of palm oil industry? Why are we still having the similar narrative since 1957 in order to protect our pockets, based on ethnicity that we are born into? Shouldn't plans be revised and revisited?

I question all of this because I love my country. 

Imagine that we used to send satellites to space. We invested those huge chunk of money and we had satellite TV where back then only the rich could afford, now almost everyone could. We made life easier back then but these elites were busy enjoying food from high above, which probably they are still doing the same thing in these hard times. The thing that I couldn't fathom is rich kids barking at the wrong tree.

What I hoped to see is Malaysians all kinds of age and ethnicity, realized that change must take account of time. To see that we have stagnated, not being able to cope with the global industrialization which lead us to the similar lifestyle and political atmosphere where nothing has changed. Same faces in political ruling arena is never a great indocator as history has shown power absolutely corrupts. The bigger context is, we should've earned more - better way of living and better access to education. No one should suffer under the terms of being barred from basic rights and needs, especially in this harsh times. The world revolves around and the era of dinosaurs roam the earth have long gone. Over the years, people around earth have adapted to the most harshest conditions and improves their ways of living. So must we. 

It is not the time to compare which era was the best (especially among boomers), certainly not the best thing to do when you don't have both of your feet resting on the ground.

Asyraf Amir. 20210702.

My Way.

When I looked at my past pictures, I realized that I didn't live a quiet life. Quite contrary to how I lived my life in the past, there is a stark contrast of between adventurism and mundane journey.

I made the most of my off days by staying at home and visiting my buddies when I was in university. Not to forget Izzul who was my desk mate back in RMC.

I did have few laughs with them. Bantering few shorts of old stories but in there, I saw my old self. Back then, I involved myself with a lot of volunteering and even student activism since I was a political science student. I was really active in societies.

Of course all that wonderful life had ups and downs. It wasn't all down to a beautiful road. It made me what I am.

The only problem was the mindset that I had at the time was fighting to believe what was right. Idealism and reality often conflicted between what could be accomplished and what couldn't. As I jumped into working life, that became harder as you have a hierarchical system you need to work with.

Being yourself and having your own individuality as your personal image diminished even more when you got yourself to a uniformed body.

I don't like being hypocrite about what was right and wrong. But being in a system which people look towards you as someone to refer to, I had to set an example. And that is even harder to stay true to yourself. How do you expect to be straight as a ruler 24 hours following rules? You have to adapt and be flexible. I don't myself struggling in that area. Just as any other person, everyone is learning the process.

It took me awhile to realize why did I chose to be as a uniformed personnel. I love my country. I want to serve with the way that I love. I didn't want to be stagnant. I want a life that does not bring trouble to anyone. I want to be at peace, even if I know that will be a bit difficult. Back then I was driven by ideas of socialism. I now have to adapt with my current life. I couldn't be crossing roads with anyone whom disagrees woth what I am doing, even if that matters between doing the right and wrong thing to do.

What I could do is to continue to be myself in my own way. I will be studious, work hard and live happily. I'll have to be patient and keep unnecessary feelings away.

I will be myself in my own way.

Asyraf Amir. 20200620.

Sutradara Senja di Tepi Laut.

Apa yang kau mahu terangkan?

Hujan yang curah,
Tak punya senang basahkan api yang membara.
Antara cinta dan benci,
Inikan pula soal darjat.

Tuntas kau menyimpul soal.
Pantas tanpa mencakna sementara.

"Langit tak selalu cerah", kata orang.

Sudahlah, dewiku.
Haripun kian senja.

Seelok kau tahu,
Setelah kau menarik picu ke arah jiwaku.
Jasadku mati di sini.
Bukan sebagai perwira.

Sisipan masa ini.
Aku kira,
Tiada suntingan yang dikira lancung.
Tidak pula jelas murni dari hatimu.
Aku tahu bukan maksudmu.
Menolak diriku,
Tersimbur di hujung perahu.

Aku kaku dibalik mimpi buruk ini.
Bisu menderita,
Dalam sutradara yang berlaku beku.

Baliklah kepada aku.
Akulah rumahmu yang kau rindukan.

Asyraf Amir. 20200515.

On Short Stories

I guess it seems pretty odd to some of you here as you'll find my posts are lately on none other than short stories. There's an oddball to catch when there's nothing to do, that's for sure. But I guess something needs to be done with the extra amount of free time rather than having it amount to nothing.

I find writing short stories is like seeing through another person's lenses. How does the other person feels like when they fall in love? Or how does it feels like when you're supposed to laugh when others does not? Feelings, they're really hard to articulate. In other times, I find myself out of words to express or putting it into sentences that perfectly tells about what I felt.

If you read a lot of other existentialists like Alfred Camus or Nietzsche, their ideas are often articulated in form of short stories. Now I'm far from their level. Not knowing where would I even get with my writings and at the same time, juggling with my current affairs and mainly my job. At times, projecting what you felt uncomfortable or inconvenience - whether it'd be truths or new ideas sometimes backfires you. You couldn't be too loud or too convinced on a subject; especially regarding politics or current affairs. Especially if you're working with the government. Too soft or too quiet, you'll probably never will be heard or merely forgotten.

My storylines are often not straightforward. What was planned for the plot was simple. For example, a guy named Ali wakes up from the bed, goes for breakfast and saw his boss on the way to work. Sometimes, I could drag on the storyline leaving to what ends - I don't know myself and that's pretty bad when you wanted to write something. It is disorganized. But nothing is written out without any sketch, I believed.

Short stories provided readers insights to possibilities of what others might be thinking. It is an alternate character which at times, I drew parallels between myself and characters I made. Perhaps differing in terms of the setting of the story.

I couldn't possibly be a school girl since I am a male whose life has solely been studying at an all boys school. But had you known any better, who knew you could've make insights from someone's eye about the world.

But that is all to there.

Asyraf Amir. 20200426.

Europe.

I lived in Switzerland and France when I was a kid. Two years in Swiss and three in France. A half year in UK. I've been to most parts of Europe basically in my whole lifetime.

Maybe you heard much about how smelly the whole Europe is. Paris had dog shit all over the place. London city streets are just pissing rain everywhere. Russia's metro stations sums up pretty much on how the whole Europe's train stations smell.

Really. To think over that again, Eiffel Tower doesn't have much fascination at all as per postcards compared to our very own KLCC. What is so great about lavender fields in the Netherlands compared to our Cameron Highlands tea farms? Again, we heard much from other people who said pretty much same thing over and over again.

Tweets after tweets. Maybe instead of seeing Arc de Triomphe & London Bridge, it's just better to look elsewhere in our own country or Asia basically.

I would say these views are entitled and highly opiniated. It's not as simple as that.

Yes, there are pros and cons. Good views but pickpockets are everywhere. If you're lucky or just simply unlucky, you get to experience seeing mass protests, general strikes and civil unrest all in Europe. These people however consider themselves it's normal but probably, not us.

I'll talk about the good things you might've never known.

Firstly, you might see old relics and buildings which look similar elsewhere in Europe. From one place to another. But have you wondered the story behind all these?

In Paris, you might've seen a mini Statue of Liberty as in the US. But what's so great about it? Gustave Eiffel, the architect who designed Eiffel Tower was the one who created the Statue of Liberty. Some say the statues faced each other in France and US.

You might also say metro stations are smelly but little you knew about how complex but yet, so convenient to users who could change stations at will with ease. I'd say it's easier than Malaysia.

But is it just all? To me, Paris is beautiful. France on the other hand is magnificent. Imagine how hard sculpturs made figures and sculptures so life-sized. Chenonceau are one of the castles that stood on a bridge. The Alps have mountain ranges that stretches across France and Swiss. You want hotdogs and beer? That's Germany. Belgian chocolates could just rival with that of in Swiss. Switzerland was my childhood. The real taste of Neapolitan can only be tasted in Italy. London taught me a lot on how to survive alone in the streets.

I held so much memories in Europe. It may bore you to some bits of its history but look at it; without such advancement in civilization and improvement in humanity, how could great ideas be born & how comfortable could we become?

But of course, of some relics from history there are things you may not like. You might've say "This is from my country" when you go to their museums. These countries, was where conquest and imperialism starts. Whilr that disturbs you bit, you would've fall in love with your own country even more. How far do I get, does not make me forgot about where I come from.

I disagree that Paris, Geneva, London or wherever that is in Europe, is a no-go place to visit. Yes it's true, it might be airy and dirty but the memoir and the history behind it surpasses all the ugly things behind.

Asyraf Amir. 20200216.

If I Had A Wife.

Most people would tell their wishes about marriage. How many guests they wanted to have. How big they want the ceremony. Bla bla bla.

If not about that, they'll be talking about how many cute kids they wanted to raise or how many cats should they breed in their house. The problem is, cats needed attention and by the time you went back in front of your doorstep, she'll beg you to feed her. If that's not the problem, you'll deal with how disgruntled she could be or how she'll make a bitchface to you. Go away, hooman. Meow.

Well at most I'll look forward to honeymoons, like enjoying crazy streetfoods in Indonesia, enjoying cherry blossoms in Japan, enjoying corals and beaches around Malaysia or simply got lost in the borders of Mongolia and China. Doesn't it sound like being in Indiana Jones than a proper honeymoon? That's what I'm after!

But hey, I'm a little different. I look for something you can always repeat or enjoy for an uncountable number of times. You can't expect to fork out a large sum of money to throw a party for an old geezer and a hag. Or you can't expect a grandpa and a grandma doing backflips and summersaults into a waterfall at the age of 70. That's fucking nuts.

So, what will I do? I'll cook her a full course menu.

Yes, you heard it. While she's out busy working in the office, I'll have mega plenty of time to prep.

First thing first is I gotta make sure the oven and stove is alright. Then make a list of menu like what I can prepare.

I personally love steaks. Sous-vide, juicy and medium rare. But more than often I found restaurants that I usually went are appalling. My expectations is simply unworthy for what I paid. So in conclusion, I found solace and ultimate satisfaction in cooking.

But main course doesn't have to be steaks or chicken chops. I also preferred going gung-ho on seafood. Seared scallops, broiled mussels with lemongrass, tuna steak sauced with and basically whole lot more.

Oof. I talked too much. What about appetizer? The most simplest thing you could do is tempura prawns. Sure tempura prawns are laughable. Go ahead. Laugh. But what makes it special is what you serve with it. I found joy to go au pair with Hollandaise sauce.

I'm not sure if my future wife loves cheese. And no. I'm not talking about the cheese you sinfully put in your burgers and bananas. Some of you went extra fucking ridiculous by  putting cheddar on char kuey teow. What the hell?

I love blue cheese. I love the melting sensation in the mouth, leaving a unique after taste, eaten with crackers or enjoyed with a creamy soup. I've tasted gouda and swiss cheese. But I found the creamier the cheese is, the better. Like, gorgonzola. Heh.

And then desserts. Apple crumble is great but have you tried apple meringue? People rarely do meringue with apple but I find the sweet and sour taste goes well with the texture of the baked whipped cream on top.

But forget about meringues with ice cream for a while. It all seems too plain. Not a single one of you thought about Mont Blanc or Tiramisu. Do you? I'll have all the biscotti soaked in espresso. Usually Tiramisu recipes had alcohol in it. To emulate the taste, I'll replace it with carbonated water or infusing tonic with sweetened vanilla. I've done Tiramisu before but I've not made the ones with alcohol replacement. I'm gonna find out later in the holidays. Next, I'm gonna whip all those white eggs with heavy cream. Ha! Jokes on you. Who the hell said I'm gonna waste everything? That yolk I separated can be used to make Hollandaise sauce.  With layers of biscotti and cream alternating, next will be grating a bar of dark chocolate on top, sprinkling some nutmeg too on top. Now usually people opt for Milo but fucking hell guys for once, leave Milo aside for this special occasion. Come on. Buy anything you think it's different and you can get a decent amount of price. I choose a bar of Lindt dark chocolate because I like the taste and how it melts in mouth after biting.

Finally just right after she got home, I'll forcefully push her to the bathroom to shower and asked her to surprise my eyes of what she'll wear. Put some cologne and perm the hair. I like women with perms. But if she doesn't like it well doesn't matter. I'll just wear my usual black slacks and flowery motifs long sleeves. Who needs ties and tux when you're at home.

As she step into the living room with her black dress, I'll pull the chair for her and settle down. No candles, no problem because my lights are all environmentally friendly and dim (did I mentioned I renovated my room? no, seriously I did).

I'll deliver the full course menu to her. We'll talk and eat over a drink of sparkling juice and mocktails. That joy. After that, we'll have a sexy night. Who cares about other people? We are in our most comfortable place.

But that is, if I had a wife.

The real question is, who'll do the dishes?

Err.
Asyraf Amir. 20190512.

Four Days.

In the glimmer of seeing the light,
You became my opium,
When I first saw you as sunflower on the field.
You became my photographs,
When I should've burn long ago,
Or I should've been forever in that photo.
You became stronger.
When I.
All that is left is my will.
With some faint strength to go on.
You drained my soul,
Whilst hoping I'd weep faster.
As I'll forget you in four days.

If I was someone in your hues,
I should be one of your colors in life.
You'd hope I'd forget you.

Anguish kills the fire.
Cools the hate.
But it does not take the scar away.

It'll pain you forever.
The fire will spark again.
You'll find yourself fighting the fire.
With tears.
In futile.

You can take my life away.
But not my will.

Asyraf Amir. 20190408.